December 10 – Wisdom Wisdom. What was the wisest decision you made this year, and how did it play out? (Author: Susannah Conway)
Why is it easier for me to think of all the foolish decisions I’ve made in 2010? Maybe because I’m too hard on myself. Or maybe because the impractical decisions seem more fun and adventurous at the time. One decision, however, I know was the wisest was one that had been on my mind in 2009 and was finally made at the beginning of 2010.
Break ups are never fun (how cliche of me to write about a break up!). But sometimes necessary to free yourself from others and recapture the you that was lost in the mix. My boyfriend and I had been together on and off for about four years. He was the rebound of another relationship and so that feeling of waiting for the next best thing stuck with me for most our time together.
Caring and thoughtful in his own way, with a temper and stubborness I couldn't seem to match nor shake. We stayed together when I was in Australia and we stayed together living an hour and a half a part. My intuition, my "witchiness," told me we weren't right together. But other, more convincing parts of me, stayed with him.
We started the break up "process" in a car, on the way back from his parents after Thanksgiving last year. Another cliche, breaking up in a car. It was ugly and sad. An awkward since we still had about an hour to go.
We left our status uncertain, full of doubt on my part, yet full of hope on his part. I said I needed time to think. He respected that. What I really needed though was to get some courage and just end it. We talked throughout the month of December. I knew it was crushing him, stringing him along, but I couldn't do it. I knew it was right thing but I also knew I didn't want to be alone.
We ended things on a cold January morning, on the phone rather than face to face. I don't think he could see me, knowing it would the last time. I remember getting out of bed, shaking off the tears, and cleaning my apartment from top to bottom. It was as if I needed sort some of cleansing ritual to move on.
It's been hard, being alone, but I don't think I'm lonely. That's how I know it was a wise decision. This year led me to new things (blogs, road trips, surfing, blind dates, to name a few) and I haven't felt more myself in such a long time. Yes, there have been plenty of bumps and trials this year, but I've realized that I can take them on, even if there are some meltdowns along the way.
Now, remember how I said that foolish decisions are more fun? Well, in the course of the year my ex-boyfriend and I have met up a few time. Awful, unwise, silly, I know! But sometimes those unwise decisions are made in the hopes that you'll learn something from them. I'm just waiting for the lesson...